| It's been a long, long time... |
[ | |
8.25.09 - 10.49am
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It really has...it's been like, forever since I last posted anything.
And boy has life changed a lot. First, I quit school recently for a sabbatical. Seriously, I've been burned out. And now? I work...
check out my twitter page if your interested
twitter.com/charmingpaulo
Hugzies!
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| Yeah, I'm slow |
[ | |
2.15.07 - 6.23pm
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| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
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????? |
] |
Really slow, will start updating again soon.
I can't believe what just happned, but it did. I'm confused.
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| 2006 Recap, Ringsignal and Revelations |
[ | |
12.31.06 - 8.46pm
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| [ |
mood |
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 happy |
] |
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music |
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I hear the bells - Mike Doughty (that's problably wrong) |
] |
Okay. This is the last thing I'll write before the year ends. Welcome to those who have read about my blog through the school newspaper. I've made some entries private, because I'm not quite sure if I want the entire school to know everything about me.
Anyway, year 2006 started with a bang at Aunt Flavias house. It was fun, mostly because I got to hang with my favorite cousins (although, I did miss a few) and my auntie. We had a lot of fun. I believe that this was before I got my livejournal and that's why I didn't even bother writing about it in the journal.
During these last days, I've realized somethings.
I have the ability to love. Like really love. This year has taught me that to a great extent. When I look back at all that has happened over just this year, I'm chocked that I haven't realized that before. It's so stupid and it's a little thing for most, but for me? It's a thing that is huge and that I thought I lost after, well...y'all know who. And for you who don't know, maybe you can ask and I'll probably answer if I'm caught off guard.
Another thing I've noticed is that my guard has been lowered. This year, all that happened apparently broke me down a bit. It's not a bad thing. It means just that I've started opening up a bit to other people, beside those who have always been there (ok, been there since almost 4th grade). And it opened me up to different possibilities. I wasn't even sure myself when I thought of it. Yes, I know I sound cryptic, but bare with me, it's just who I sometimes am when I write on the Internet. Sure I'm exposing myself to anyone who reads, but I also make it a habit to talk about myself. Making it sound very cryptic. I always have more to tell, than what you read.
Back to topic.
Following an analogy some people might recognize: Cookie dough is soon real cookies. I can feel it. I know it. It's instinct.
I'm going to start my new year, obsessing over someone that means nothing to me (yes, denial thy name is Paulo =P ), with my mom, auntie and two little cousins at London Bridge, watching all the fireworks over the river and happy. I'm going to start the new year being happy.
Sure, we all have issues. And mine have been quite, hard. I'm not gonna discuss that more, just know that from me and to all you people who might read this:
Happy New Year!
Note: I finished my signal with The Fray's "How to Save A Life". I'm so freaking awesome!!!!
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12.20.06 - 1.39pm
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mood |
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 Well, what to do... |
] |
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music |
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How we operate - Gomez (so freaking awsome) |
] |
Now why, oh why can somebody tell me, why does this teenage phase exist?
I'm freaking unbelievable.
Yesterday, I had a concert with my choir. It went okay, better than the day before that, because then I couldn't sing at all and I messed up a couple of times. There hasn't been one single day where I've wondered, did he make the right choice or should I be sent back to the group I was in before. Speaking of messing up, why am I doing it right now? Is it so hard for me to be a "normal" person. I wonder sometimes, what in God's name I'm doing!!?? It's as if I have a disease or something.
I'm scared of taking that leap of faith, because honestly? It's a really big leap. To give someone else a piece of your heart. To share something that has just healed completely. I'm not an emo kid. It's just that I feel like I can't do right. As if everything I do is wrong.
Is everything I do wrong? Is it a law of nature?
I feel like it is. I've always tried my best.
Then we have my painful love life. I can't even make small talk without sounding like a total idiot. Why would anyone want me? I'm...me. And I'm not interesting at all. I don't have this cool extra activity or anything, I'm just plain old me. Anyway, enough bad mouthing myself
One thought that is going to make me smile during this entire holiday is imagining Alexander and Christian working with the school paper alone until 19.30 =)
And Rodi's expression when I pulled his hair and he looked like he wanted to cry =)
So that was two things, who cares?
See ya!
Note: I'm okay really, just needed to have this exaggerated rant before I could work somewhat normally again
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| It's all relative... |
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12.14.06 - 6.20pm
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mood |
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cheerful |
] |
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music |
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Life is Beautiful - Vega4 |
] |
I've finally found my freaking passport!!!!
It's been missing since a few weeks back and I've been looking for it, for like...forever! Since I'm going to London for Christmas, I felt like I might need it, you know? *Sarcasm, much?*
It's all good.
Doing my freaking happy dance now!
And I'm tired.
I'll write more later. Ciao!
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| Unsafe |
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11.28.06 - 2.19pm
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mood |
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 I'm lost and it scares me... |
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music |
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Nine Crimes - Damien Rice |
] |
I feel...unsafe.
And I have a bad feeling. Like a really bad feeling. One the threatens to take all of me, if I don't stop it. I've had it for the past month. Before this year ends, a personal tragedy will occur or maybe it will be joyous. I don't know. I can't tell if this is a bad feeling or if I'm nervous for something. I don't know...
I don't trust myself.
It's not like I don't want to, it's just that I can't trust myself. I feel pushed down, alone and maybe worthless. I keep thinking of what I bring to the table, what I do. I try to be this person, the one everyone expects me to be. This wacky and "fun" black little guy. Only I'm not that. I haven't felt like him since, 8th grade.
It's like I fell down the rabbit hole into nothingness and became this empty shell. Well, maybe not empty, I just don't feel like me. It's like I'm watching this streaming movie of some guy that looks like me, that talks like me do some crazy stuff, while I'm just there, watching. I wish I could find me again. But I'm lost...Like really lost...
And I can't go back.
That's why I feel unsafe.
Just Unsafe.
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| Sex |
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9.12.06 - 3.58pm
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mood |
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 Not quite sure |
] |
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music |
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Trust Me - The Fray |
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Sex....now there's a subject I apparently didn't know enough about. I've just spent the last hour listening to the two school nurses talking about the "va-jay-jay" (In the words of Miranda Bailey from the bomb episode). I never, ever want to do that again.
I'm also digging The Fray. They're like the best rock band there is. My favorite song is "Trust Me". Fascinating how life changes in one second. My music taste has varied over the years, but this is problably the first time that I'm actually having favorites.
Anyway, I'm thinking of updating the layout, but I'm not sure, need some suggestions. Either The Fray theme, India Arie or Grey's Anatomy.
I've gotta say...nothing.
Bye!
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| Joy...LalAlALa |
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9.5.06 - 2.36pm
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Joy to the world!!
me likes to write during school paper classes. It's very fun, fundiddlyfun! (doing Flanders style). I've started my choir lesson again. This weekend was spent at camp with the choir. It was actually quite fun, but I was really nervous, so nervous that my throat felt really constricted and I couldn't sing. So I just stopped.
Roland ( my judge and king when it comes to singing) told me that I have a wonderful voice. I have a wonderful voice!? Really!!?? I was completley taken a back by that. He told me to practice so I get it all under control.
This writing gig is kind of fun, come to think of it. I've already gotten som ideas to what I want and have to do. Hopefully I'll manage all of this...Anyway, peace out guys!
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| School paper... |
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8.29.06 - 2.20pm
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mood |
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 Hardly awake |
] |
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music |
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We used to be friends - The Dandy Warhols |
] |
Right now, let's see. It's the last cass for today. I'm tired and really not in the mood to discuss at all. I haven't gotten my log on to the HGY-Magazine password, so I'm waiting for that. I hardly remember the one they gave me at the start of first grade.
After two hours of grueling work, I'm supposed to go to Haninge for my first leader session with church. It would've been fun, if I wasn't so freaking tired already. I've gotta plan a game strategy to survive this school year, otherwise I'm problably screwed, big time.
The people at the paper are very fun and interesting, so I'm looking forward to getting to know them all a bit better. I think that I'll problably change classes so I can be able to continue with school paper.
Let's see...
This weekend was fun. Well, not superfun, but fun. No, let's rephrase that. Saturday was a really boring day. I went to Shadly's birthday party, where there was only children under 9 + Ibra, so I ended up standing outside or in the closet reading a book (One from the Fearless - series)and it was pretty boring.
Sunday I worked. I helped Grace out with her birthday party. It was a lot of work, but in the end, it all worked very well. God, I really want to sleep...anyway, update another day...
Bye!
Okay, so I'm back again. I need to keep myself awake, otherwise I'll definitely fall asleep. I'm so freaking tired it's unbelivable.
I'm going to Grace place after my leader session. That way, I can get some sleep for tomorrow and be all fresh and dandy...I hope.....Anyway, Sunday was spent at a party. After working all day, the reward finally came...
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| In love with CS2 |
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8.5.06 - 4.46pm
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mood |
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Photoshop RULES!!! |
] |
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music |
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Just like a star - Corrine Bailey Rae |
] |
I'm in love with m new photoshop!!! It's been so long since I've worked with any photo editing programm, so right now, I'm really, really, really happy about it!!:D:D:D
It's sort of one of those things you hope will happen but for some reason never does and then poof!!! It happens!!!
So anyway, I'm right now playing around and working on icons and wallpapers, which has been so long. So long...to long...
YaY!!!
Today, I'm going to visit Liia again at her church outreach with Kiben, Domi and Marti. Have fun everyone, Toodles!!
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| Updated |
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8.3.06 - 11.46am
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mood |
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got up 5 am!!! |
] |
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music |
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Purify me - India Arie |
] |
HI!
I've just updated the layout, the first update ever. I felt it was time for a change. Right now I'm sick, so I decided to use one that was already made for a template then altered it to my taste. God, I 'm really tired, so I'm just gonna go and sleep for like an hour and come back to see if the site's still here and so on.ZzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's to all of you sleepyheads, like me. WE RULE!!!
Toodles!
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| Shorty |
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7.8.06 - 12.08am
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mood |
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 ditzy |
] |
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music |
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I'm not my hair - India Arie |
] |
TjoHEY!
I'm in Växjö, which is a little town south in Sweden at my cousin's place. Feeling good, because I'm slightly overtired so I feel kind of high, well acually, sort of high.
Hmm...I am an India Arie fan, like one of her biggest fans. It's so weird because for the first time in a long time, I've actually really fallen for an artist in a very long time.
I Understand Pörnills obessesion with Goo Goo Dolls ( if you can call it obsession). I haven't been like this for a while, but wow, I'm really truley in love with her music. Give me grace...
I wanna cry...feeling sad...
Actually no. I'm happy. I'm worried, but I'm happy, at peace with myself and life. I have nothing to worry about, how sad is that? I'm sad because for the first time in a long time, I have no reason to be sad...I'm not even fighting with my mother anymore, we've finally worked out our issues. This is so weird.
Teletubbies are cute. Think about it. The purple one makes me all bubbly inside. It's like I want to hug it, then throw it into the trashbin and suffocate it.
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| Am I ready?? |
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5.27.06 - 10.46am
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mood |
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Hmm, neither sad or happy |
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music |
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"Fallen" - Sarah McLachlan |
] |
Fallen...
Have I fallen from my once high and mighty horse? Definitely!
What if I had the chance to changed one key moment in my life? One moment in my short, yet surreal life??? What if you could do it? Which moment would you change???
I've been thinking about that a lot, which moment it would be. And there are many moments I would have liked to change, to make it all a lot differently. Would be the first time someone picked on me? Would it be my choice of school when I started first grade? Would it be when we moved? What would it be? Or maybe I'm happy with how everything in my life has been, with everything that has happened. Don't think so.
You see, my life is about...well, I don't quite know. My life is a life, one single life on this planet that is filled with 64 billion human beings (or whatever the number was). Do I feel alive? Do I feel passion? Yes.
I used to be better, just better. Now, I've changed..and I think it's been for the worse. There are days, when you don't feel alive. Yesterday was that day for me. My mother left for vacation in Uganda and she'll be gone for over six weeks, which is gonna be awsome, super swell. Not.
At least she's having fun, I guess. My uncle is going to officially introduce his girlfriend, with whom he has two kids with. It's kind of pointless considering that the entire family already met her, but this is the official gathering. That's why mom is going to Uganda.
Everything in my life right now is sort of grey. I'm not superhappy, but I'm not sad either. People keep pushing me down, really shove me down to the ground and I'm tired of that, but I'm also tired of trying to fight.
From the Grey's Anatomy season finale part 1 "Deterioation of the fight or flight response":
Meredith: Human beings need a lot of things to feel alive.
George: Family...
Cristina: Love...
Izzie: Sex.
Derek: But we only need one thing...
Webber: To actually be alive.
Cristina: We need a beating heart.
Addison: When our heart is threatened...
Alex: We respond in one of two ways.
George: We either run or...
Izzie: We attack.
Webber: There's a scientific term for this:
Alex: Fight...
Addison: Or flight.
Bailey: It's instinct...
Meredith: We can't control it.
Izzie: Or can we?
Lately, everything has been flight. But let's try and change that, let's fight. The question then is: Am I ready to fight??
Am I??
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| If life was easy... |
[ | |
5.10.06 - 9.54am
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mood |
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tired, but awake |
] |
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music |
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Fools like me - Lisa Loeb |
] |
Hi!
Life busy. I have basically no time for anything except school. I've been so busy and exhausted most of the time and I haven't had any time to write, except for now .
This is going to be a really short entry, but I'll probably write more when I come home, hopefully.
I miss me. This Sunday, I had a very long talk with Elizabeth about...me. I told her about me and my life and got the chance to just open up a lot more about what I think and feel. It felt good. I was uncomfortable in the beggining, but I opened up more and more as time went. I feel a hundred pounds lighter.
Schools soon over, I don't want to be alone with some person from another school, but if it happens, then I guess I can live with it. Hopefully the person i since, otherwise some whooping is in order;P
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| Italian boy |
[ | |
4.26.06 - 10.18pm
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mood |
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Watching my italian |
] |
He's here.
He's right now watching TV, the footballgame between Milan and Barcelona and he's screaming " Dai, Dai" to the TV, which I find particulary funny.
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| If only... |
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4.12.06 - 6.09pm
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mood |
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Fun with siblings |
] |
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music |
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Shrek Kareoke Dance Party - Shrek Cast |
] |
Today, is a new day...
Big sister is here and now, both my brothers are coming aswell, it's gonna be a fun, but in the process I sort of dumped my friends for family.
I hate it when I have to make decisions like that, because they usually don't happen at all.
It's been some emotional days.
I will explain later, the party has arrived....
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| Anger...Denial...Acceptance |
[ | |
4.1.06 - 8.59pm
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| [ |
mood |
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 This has to do with my brother |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Everybody hurts - Paul Anka |
] |
He made me mad.
Really mad.
So mad I wanted to hit him.
But I can't.
Yesterday, I went through the day with a headache that didn't really pop up with full force until I was on my way home from the piano lesson. Before that, we had a group discussion about the class, I became pretty mad with Beri, We watched "Taxi Driver" with Robert De Niro, we ate kebabskis, we said bye to Karoe who was really sick, we were instructed on our indvidual courses for next year, I ran to get in time for class, I skipped breakfast, I woke up at 6.am in the order, only reversed.
When I came home, the computer wasn't working, so me and my brother went to uncle TamJoe to get some insight on the problem (it wouldn't even start). We stayed there until two o clock and by that time, I was feeling ill, the headache came and went frequently and I hade back pains. All in all, wonderful day...
The computer is fixed now anyway, that feels good. I'm kind of excited of receiving an italian boy (do not misinterpet that!!!) and I'm thinking about sending him an e-mail just to talk before he arrives. Anyway, Andrew is getting on my nerves, but he's my brother and I have been missing that ever since he moved out (him annoying me that is;P). I think I have some sadistic tendencies (I don't get off on it, but It's something that I miss in my life)
Going to sleep soon and right now I'm trying to recreate my files...
Bye!
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| Remind me to kick... |
[ | |
3.18.06 - 9.03pm
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| [ |
mood |
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 crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Sitting on Top of the World - Brandy feat. Mase |
] |
I remembered something...
The people around us now, will not be there, when we get older...it's sad, it's depressing and now I need to go, because I have homework and a cold ( not a good combination)...Bye!
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| Fuck this shit!!! |
[ | |
3.15.06 - 9.50am
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| [ |
mood |
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Okay, Tired and Frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Tears in Heaven - Paul Anka |
] |
Hi!
Today we're doing the frustrated teen thing. I'm tired and frustrated and tired. Did I mention that I am tired, like really tired!?
The days are really slowly passing by. Right now in the computer hall of the school, writing like god know's what. Something tells me that it's going to be a very bad day, just this somewhat awful day, where everything becoms crap and I slowly wish that I could disintergrate or just fly away and watch myself doing stuff.
Today is also choir practice. It still isn't fun...
I've lost my spark...I need to find it again and it's making me frustrated. Imagine if the Phantom lost his drive, lost his talent? What would he do? What should I do?
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carpediems's journal
contemplative
